Your Fat Friend (2023)
Directed by Jeanie Finlay
Last week I had the great pleasure to watch Your Fat Friend, director Jeanie Finlay’s (Seahorse, Orion: The Man Who Would Be King) newest documentary starring author and fat activist Aubrey Gordon at Sheffield DocFest.
Your Fat Friend has not yet been announced for distribution.
— Although I love spoiling stuff, I decided to write a spoiler-free review this time, as I want everyone to experience the joy (and constant crying) that I’ve experienced while watching this excellent movie. —
I’ve been a fan of Gordon’s writing for a long time. Her book What We Don’t Talk About When We Don’t Talk About Fat(Beacon Press, 2020) and her ingenious work on the Maintenance Phase podcast with co-host Michael Hobbes literally changed my life. So, when I heard that there will be a movie chronicling her path from anonymous blogger writing about fat activism and anti-fat bias to a successful writer/journalist, and that an International premiere was scheduled for Sheffield DocFest, I hopped on a plane and found myself in a very cute British town awash in film festival excitement (since then Your Fat Friend had won the Sheffield DocFest Audience Award, which makes me very happy).
When I entered the crowded, fully booked venerable Crucible Theater, drowsy from the heat (the frazzled hotel clerk assured me Sheffield is normally cold and rainy), I noticed two things. One: it’s a gorgeous theater and I regret not being able to catch another showing there while I’m in Sheffield. And, most importantly, two: I found myself amidst my people. Short, colored hair in all the colors of the rainbow gave way to colorful vintagy outfits – excited “small fat, mid-fat, superfat”[1] women all around me. I’ve never seen so many of us in one place, happily chatting away, an expectant atmosphere in the air. Although I was too shy to talk to any of them (I kinda hate that for me), for the first time in my life, I felt comfortable being myself in a crowded room.
If you’re familiar with my writing (hi, mom!), you know that I’m a big fan of sincerity (good old, corny pathos, if you will), and I find the recent move towards sincerity in documentary film, but also film in general, and even reality shows (I see and love you Bake Squad!), delightful, to say the least. Although the old (so very, very old) auteurs and the well-oiled Marvel machine still try their best at post-modern deconstructionism and a good portion of wallowing, I’ve been finding myself more and more frustrated with them showing a problem (sexism, racism = bad), but never offering any non-libertarian or non-individualistic solutions.
As previously discussed in my review of She Chef, there is something refreshing in the notion that you not only have to name the problem, but actually do something about it (unfortunately the Hobo With a Shotgun strategy is not a viable solution). Your Fat Friend is an intimate view of a living, breathing person’s life, but just by virtue of Gordon existing in the world (as a very fat and very vocal woman on the internet), it’s easy to forget that she’s not a political statement, that her life is not up for grabs, and her existence certainly not up for discussion. And this is where the brilliance of Jeanie Finlay as a documentarian starts to show through.
Jeanie Finlay staring into your soul
Finlay follows Gordon from the start of her internet writing career as anonymous blogger Your Fat Friend, from 2016, after the publication of her excellent first essay A request from your fat friend: what I need when we talk about bodies ending her exploration with Gordon’s first ever public appearance at a book reading in 2021/22.
The movie begins with a voiceover from Gordon reading the following quote from her 2020 essay Just Say Fat: “Just say fat. Not “curvy” or “chubby” or “chunky” or “fluffy” or “more to love” or “big guy” or “full-figured” or “big-boned” or “queen size” or “husky” or “obese” or “overweight.””, which is accompanied by under water images and finally by her floating in a pool. Right from the start, there’s no inherent bias in the images, no “caressing” the body up and down, no overt focus on certain areas. The body and, by extension, Aubrey just is.
I’ve been actively watching documentary cinema for only a year, so I’m not as well versed in the techniques of this format, however, I do understand that it’s not just letting people sign an agreement and then shove a camera into their face until they reveal their innermost self (partly why I found Superpower by Sean Penn and anything by Michael Moore so grating). There is a kind of magic and infinite finesse in showing the humanity of the subjects involved – a fine line between a non-judging eye and the drive to tell a story. Jeanie Finlay and her DP Steward Copeland walk this line with a precision I’ve never seen before.
The movie is peppered with childhood videos and photos of Aubrey as well as contemporary interviews and conversations with her parents. When Gordon talks to her mother Pam about her incessant dieting and the bad body image she projected unto her daughter, there is no judgment, no scorn, but instead a staggering amount of understanding and empathy towards a flawed parent who didn’t know better (Aubrey Gordon is a much better person that I am in this regard). Subsequently, due to her unpacking everything on camera (to this particular documentarian), we see Pam come to an important realization about her expectations when she put Aubrey on diet after diet. This realization is not sensationalized by swelling music in the background, nor are there excessive tears shed for the benefit of the viewer – what follows instead is contemplation and gratitude.
The same goes for many similar moments in the course of the documentary. Moments of realization, moments of pure (sometimes unwanted) emotion, moments of sadness and joy are all treated with the utmost dignity and sincerity. The dread Gordon experiences when she is doxxed, but also her exuberant joy of talking about her her extensive diet book collection (seriously, listen to Maintenance Phase for a glimpse into the great and horrifying world of celebrity and conservative dieting) are both given time to breathe and the gravitas they deserve.
Can’t wait for them to discuss this one on the podcast!
And this is it, really. The film gives Aubrey (the author), Aubrey (the activist), Aubrey (the daughter) – Aubrey (the person) the space to breathe, to expand freely, to “grow wild and untamed as a garden you loved as a child“[2]. When the credits roll, a great sigh of relief and a couple (a lot) of sobs reverberate throughout the audience. A gentle catharsis washes over me, as I feel the hope, the righteous anger at diet culture, a newfound empathy for my flawed loved ones – I let myself feel.
Jeanie Finlay and Aubrey Gordon at the Q&A, after the screening at the Sheffield DocFest
Breathe in, breath out … just say fat.
[1] Gordon, What We Don’t Talk About When We Talk About Fat, e-book version, p. 9
[2] Your Fat Friend, A request from your fat friend: what I need when we talk about bodies